Design of Life

I had such an insane eureka just now. I realized how important it is to appreciate absolutely everything. Appreciate your shitty ass job, your insanely large amount of school work you've been procrastinating, your loved ones that make you feel like shit, your loved ones that make you feel amazing, those people you walk by and you barely know, even the air you breathe. Become thankful for every good time, and every bad time as well. It's important to do so, and you'll feel so much better in the end. It's amazing how much a little appreciation can go, and how much more alive it can make you feel. So next time you say you hate this or you hate doing that, appreciate the fact that you have the life to give to that matter.

Here I go again, feeling absolutely numb. Not sad at all, not happy, but content and numb. I am happy with the way things are rearing about, but I'm not exactly too ecstatic about it either. It's such a strange feeling that's all too similar. I'm always talking about feeling emotions and not holding back, but now when it's time to act, it's almost clockwork, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't say I like the feeling, but it's a lot better than what I had before. So why do things work out the way they do? I can come up with a million impossibly true scenarios, but I'd rather not analyze it. I'm feeling what I'm feeling and that's all there is to it. I am now completely without want, just like a Buddhist. So now I'm ready. I'm ready to do whatever it is I feel like doing, without approval from any peers, or anyone else for that matter. I'm glad in the sense that I honestly don't have to care anymore, and I think that's one of the feelings I missed the most. Good day sir. 

When everyone else has left, I must write. I shall expose myself to everyone, for they are the blind that will not see. And as I observe the people around me, I feel foreign. Like I'm not part of this whole cycle. Detached, and misconstrued. Yet, somewhere, something is going on that will cross my way in the future, I can feel it, and understand it. I don't know where, or what, but it's happening, this very second. Everything is in clockwork. One might call them a series of events, tripping and stumbling upon one another and crossing paths and ways. It's what we like to call life, yet at some point, one might question the validity of life in itself. A simple word, and if anyone had the answer, they'd probably considered some sort of diety.

Why.

One word, locking away so many answers for no one to breach. Well, the way I see it, there's not much point in contemplating and searching for answers. For, when one spends this time unlocking the word why, they're losing precious moments. Time that is never regained for a simple answer. It's like winning a race against yourself. You get to brag, with no satisfaction. You can go around telling people, and they'll give you strange looks. There's no point, yet it's everything isn't it? No, it just seems like it. Lately, I've been detached from feeling. I'd like to say I'm happy, but I'm only content. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way things are going, yet I'm not. I'm surrounding myself with all these people, and it's not giving me much satisfaction. I'm looking at everything in a new light, being so thankful for every moment I'm handed. Every blade of grass, I am thankful for. Yet, I am not satisfied. I'm starting to believe I don't need satisfaction, and everything will eventually turn my way soon, which is good, but my optimism is reaching it's breaking point. I'm content. I'm thankful. I'm wasting time, and my mind wanders. It's not something I can help, it just flutters along on its own, churning out ideas, music, and words. I'm thinking too much lately, and It's frustrating. I ponder, and gaze. I sit and marvel at everything. The smallest little things have the largest impacts on us all, yet people take it for granted. Every molecule around us has a purpose. Every molecule inside of us has a purpose. We're all made of the same stuff, but not quite. Have a wonderful Sunday evening. Monday is tomorrow.

As I ponder the intricacies of human nature, I can't help but notice a natural flaw. Many flaws, coming together to a single race. Flawed in what way? We are all flawed, but are we? Are we but the most successful species on the face of the Earth? ? Or is that the flaw in itself, that the human race is TOO successful. As if being too successful was ever a problem, until some things may have brought it to my attention, that maybe we need to hang back for a little while. This post isn't to do with nature, or anything of that sort, just a realization, a pouring of thoughts into my vast wastebasket of ideas. What defines the line between success and failure? Why is it programmed into societal restrictions that you need money to be successful. For me, this is not the case. To be successful, I need happiness. In any way, shape, or form. Happiness is key to success. I'd rather be a happy old fuck than a depressed millionaire. This brings up another point. Money can easily make a man happy, yet making money that isn't already given to you takes time, and effort. All that effort put into making money is time taken away from finding oneself and being content with the position you're in. So I guess this defines two personalities, present oriented people, and future oriented people. Which one comes out happier in the end? Which one is truly more successful in life? For you know, the imprint you leave on this Earth is not measured by your wealth, it's measured by the impact you've made on people in your life time. How large can one's sphere of influence become without money? The answer lies inside one's personality, yet one can not please all people. Sacrifices must be made for the overall good, but is that in itself the flaw in humanity? So many questions, so little answers. The way I see it, there are no definite answers, only opinions. Everyone has their own view, and I am respectful for all of them, including my own.

Bear with me on this one, it's a bit scattered.

I know, everything seems to be fashionably cascading into a sick recess of happiness, where my head cracks, and trembles. How unimaginably impossible it is to be at peace with absolutely everything. And how peace is only a wild goose chase. And how it is physically and naturally unattainable. We are human, we are thinkers, we are insane, we are in love, we are in hate. We are everything, yet only a speck in the universe. A minuscule niche in space. Our existence affects nothing, yet at the same time it is everything we know. Maybe in the moon and the stars, everything is planned. I believe the contrary, yet the way time moves is rather interesting. Time moves in the way we perceive it, and it bends in space. How strange.

I honestly can't remember the last moment in time when I felt this happy, but who cares!? I'm happy. :)

Upon negotiating fact and fiction, reality and romance, I realize the importance of emotions. Feeling emotion is probably one of the most important things that a human being has. You need the worst times to appreciate the better times. Throughout all of this, at least I can say that I can feel, and that's pretty important to me. I'm appalled, that a single person could have this sort of effect on me, yet I'm content that at least I have these feelings, and I'm not a stone wall. I need to learn not to be so bottled up, but I feel that I throw around my love too lavishly at times. Sometimes I am taken advantage of, but it's the price I pay of being myself. Thinking about it, things couldn't have happened any other way, because the past is passed and it's unchangeable. So here we go again, for the second time I need to remind myself, I live with no regrets. Even when everything seems like it's about to end, live with no regrets. Regrets come back to haunt you, and if things weren't meant to be, you can't help it. I am moving on to bigger and better things, and a sole person should have no effect on where I'm ending up. The carpet was pulled from under me, and I fell like a fool, but from the ground, there's nowhere to go but to forgive, and get up again. I might be more weary of the next carpets I walk across, but I have learned never to hide my emotions. It's what led me into this mess. Now, I can only hope that I may find another that I respect, and even if I don't, it's not the most important thing in the world. I'm only 17, I'm young, and stupid. I fall for simple traps, but I have a whole world waiting for me. I can't put my life on hold because I want to mope on the floor with the carpet pulled out from under me. It's pointless, but sometimes letting it all out makes us feel better. I can't expect anything from people, and I don't except for the one time that I do, I am failed. I expected way too much, and I take the blame upon myself for that, but we'd all like a little leeway sometimes. So here we go, Spring Break '10 was the best I've had, but that's not saying much. I love my friends, and my family, and everyone that has helped me through the situation, directly and indirectly. I just can't wait for my life to pick up and start moving again. So why not start now? No regrets, bumps and mountains won't hold me back. I know I'm meant for so much more than just this, yet when you think about a person you really adore, you feel like none of that matters. But it does, it really does. I took a step back to look at the picture, but I didn't realize that there was another step back to take. A look at the even bigger picture. This is just one frame of my life, with many in the past, and many more to come. As time progresses, I'll forget how happy I was, and I'll forget how happy you made me, and hopefully, I'll even forget how sad you've made me. Time moves forward with no regard for everyone else, so you're either on top, or you're on the ground. Let's get this show on the road, the way it's supposed to be.

When one graces me with their presence, one must realize the utter factuality of the importance of who they are and where they have been. Your past affects the present, as well as the future. As not upholding to greatness on my part, we all have our convictions, yet some can be forgiven, while others can not. I take it upon myself daily to try and forgive everyone of everything, yet, if a person is not changed, then why be forgiven? The same act will be committed once again with no regard for the rest of the world and flow of humanity.
then when I forgive, I am the one doing wrong, for I am only placing myself in a position that may find me unfortunate; a position where I am easily taken advantage of. I give the populous too much credit, I see too much good in people. When will I begin to realize the forsaken that we all are? Probably never, for I have always been this way. Live, love, laugh, let go, and start all over again. The cycle continues continuously in a never ending circle ebbing through highs and lows, forever swinging like a pendulum. The pendulum of life.

"late last night i fell asleep
what befell me was a dream
it was dark but you were there
successfully suppressing fear
as i thought of words to say
you took off and ran away
the words drifted through my teeth
but by that time i was beat
meticulous metaphors
fell upon the broken floor
so then i fell through the ground
and everything was upside down

then i had another dream
you were sittin next to me
but i couldnt think of words
its okay you understood
everything was coming back
all the things before the fact
it was back to you and me
the way things were meant to be

now im sitting counting sheep
for i no longer fall asleep"

some lyrics by yours truly. was gonna put it to a song but my voice doesn't go with the beat. maybe someone else will sing it.

there's something i feel with you, that i dont quite feel with anyone else. it's a sort of feeling of great comfortability, where i don't have to worry about saying a certain thing, or doing something wrong, because its never wrong when you're yourself. regardless, i'm getting a car next week for sure and i'm so excited! tonight is possibly going to be one of the best nights of my life, or one of the worst, lets hope for the better. i hope monday works out for the better as well, but one can only hope. spring break ohten is definitely going to be either just like the others, or the exact opposite. only time will tell.